New Drug for Hypochondria Soon to Be OK’d (Satire)

Disclaimer: This post is from GomerBlog, a satirical site about healthcare.

Expect GiantDrugCo’s stock price to hit record levels soon — the company expects to launch the first-ever drug to treat hypochondria.

To be marketed as Placebadil, it’s an enteric-coated sucrose-(2R,3S,4S,5R,6R)-2-(hydroxymethyl)-6-[(2R,3S,4R,5R,6S)-4,5,6-trihydroxy-2-(hydroxymethyl)oxan-3-yl]oxy-oxane-3,4,5-trio, also known as “sugar” and “starch.”

In phase I and II trials, the drug was successful at treating myriad perceived illnesses such as 2-day-old sinus infections, COVID-19, brain cancers, and appendicitis. The trials were so successful that it was placed on the fast track to be approved before the end of the year.

One participant in the study was cured of her perceived endometriosis after only three doses. That study was conducted in a double-blind fashion with the participant not knowing if she was getting the placebo or the placebo. After she declared that she no longer suffered from endometriosis, she learned that she did indeed get the placebo.

Placebadil is slated to hit the market in the next 2 months. It will provide doctors with another tool in their armamentarium to treat hypochondriacs. Patients with perceived illnesses will no longer have to suffer in perceived silence.

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